Today is a special day for me.
It was 5 years ago today that I chose to stop drinking alcohol. It can be called “spontaneous sobriety” because my sobriety was without any formal rehab or treatment program. While my drinking was excessive, I was lucky to not experience any major withdraw symptoms (these can be dangerous for some people, I have a friend that had a pretty bad seizure within the first 24 hours of sobriety). I did, however speak to my doctor and got on some anti-depressants for the transition. To his credit, my doctor put me on a generic version of Wellbutrin for my depression. Wellbutrin is a drug that was originally developed as an addiction drug to help people stop smoking; it has the “side effect” of helping with depression. I look back at the first days of sobriety with a fondness for how well I slept and how little sleep my body needed after being deprived of good rest for so long.
In addition to my anti depressants, I read a book called “This Naked Mind” (Annie Grace, 2015). This book has helped a lot of people decide to quit. Its approach fit my personality more than other methods with an emphasis on making the choice once and letting my life follow that choice from that moment onward. I never go into a social situation or a bar thinking defensively that I need to guard against temptation rather I go into every situation knowing who I am; a person like so many others, with emotional challenges that I have decided to not “fix” with alcohol. It’s a relief to know the choice was made awhile ago and that there lies no challenge ahead of me greater than the challenge of personal growth and good mental health.
My choice to stop drinking was a long time coming for me. I was aware that drinking was beyond my control for quite some time but I had previously made a choice to see how much fun I could have with it. It was fun for a bit, but as I mentioned, I have depression and alcohol, if you weren’t aware, is a depressant. That coupled with the strong physiological cycle of addiction was a trap too strong for me to control. I would drink to self medicate, feel “better” (or more accurately, numb) for an hour or two, and then feel worse for the remaining 22-23 hours of the day, my body craving the next drink the whole time.
The choice to stop drinking was a big deal & up until now, I haven’t made a big deal about it. That’s mostly because I am a private person, I’ll open up and be honest about anything if we are talking one on one, but in those situations, sobriety doesn’t typically come up and if it does, it’s my experience that most people don’t know what to say about it. There is an air of disease to the confession and an assumption that there may be a shitty story about hitting “bottom.” I can address both of those points.
The words I use are important to me. I don’t believe that I can become the best version of myself if I don’t label things as accurately as I can. I do have depression. I did drink a lot to alleviate the hurt of that. But there is a lot more than that to unpack; unhealthy relationship patterns in the form of codependency, and generally my relationship to myself, all proved to be a sizable burden to work through. To say I am an alcoholic never sat well with me because it didn’t cover all that needed to be done to become the healthy version of me that I’m intended to be.
I didn’t hit “bottom” by doing anything salacious. What happened was a relatively small argument with my wife that prompted a moment of clarity. In that moment, I saw how dysfunctional we were, and how my choices were a clear part of that dysfunction. It left me with a choice to do something different. And I did. It’s been said that, “when you stop drinking, you feel better, you feel everything better, you feel happiness better, you feel anger better,” etc.. This is so true. For me, clarity led to choices that set me up for success in sobriety. I got drugs from my doctor, read a book, made a choice. That argument, clarity and choice was the start of a journey that continues to this day. A journey marked by a 5 year anniversary that was set in motion after an argument a year prior to that date. A journey that will continue far into the future. The truth is, becoming sober was a seed to becoming a better partner, father and friend.
However, becoming healthy often includes letting go of more than the crutches we’ve become accustomed to. For me, I gave up drinking, I tried antidepressant for a while, then I tried an as-needed mild sedative for anxiety, followed by what is now the foundation of health for me: rest, diet & exercise. This developed over the years while I fumbled through the emotional issues that landed me in the bottle. I’m not the only sober person to find that sobriety and positive mental health can’t be shoe horned into the lives of the people around me. There has been a lot of hurt in the process.
But for all the honest and hard feelings that sobriety brings, what I’ve gained is better than what I could’ve imagined. I’ve gained an ability to care for myself, I’ve gained better relationships with all of my kids, and I’ve gained fortitude in the friendships that mean the most to me. More than that, I’m proud of my choice; proud without shame that there is a choice that I’m committed to, that helps me be more than I would be otherwise.
I’m happy for the choice I’ve made.
I’m happy to talk about it with anyone.
